My darling husband Paul
Dear All,
I know that you are all aware that my husband Paul passed away on April 2nd, as each of you received a very short email informing you.
Since then, I have received countless emails, phone calls and letters of love and support. Many of you have asked how and the details. I am unable to respond to you all individually at the moment, so though my blog would be the best way. I realise that so many of you loved Paul and are anxious to fill in the blanks.
As planned, I left for Australia on St. Patrick's Day staying overnight in LA on the way. I finally got to meet up with my brother Dennis on the following Saturday. It was bitter sweet to see him as he had deteriorated much more rapidly than expected. Although his body was weak, his spirit was not. I spent 10 minutes with him and then we headed off to Sat. evening Mass, where the rest of my siblings were waiting to meet us. After Mass we went to a local club where we were joined by some cousins and nieces and nephews.
On the Sunday, my newest nephew - a beautiful baby boy named Michael was Christened, after which, a large party was held to celebrate. Again many close family members and friends gathered. Dennis stayed for the duration, although he was unwell. He said he didn't want to waste a precious minute.
On Monday, I went with him to meet with his oncologist, who told me privately, that Dennis may have a month to live, but more than likely, just one week. I stayed with Dennis at his house, and on the Tuesday, my two sisters joined me. We then took it in turns to sit with Dennis, so that he was never alone. He had a constant stream of visitors and many, many phone calls, and he rallied to speak with them all. He tried to comfort them!
On the Friday, (Sat. Aussie time) Paul called (well he called at least twice a day), to tell me that he had severe leg pain and didn't feel well and that he was going to keep his promise to me and to visit the ER to have it checked out. He seemed in good spirits and led me to believe, that he was really just going as a precautionary measure, so that he wouldn't "get into trouble" with me if anything went wrong.
Several hours later, I called the hospital to find he had been admitted and spoke to his nurse who assured me that he was okay. He had a urinary tract infection which they were treating with an antibiotic and they expected he would be released the following Monday or Tuesday.
I decided I should go home and be there for when he was released from hospital, so with the help and support of family members in Australia, I managed to get on a flight from Albury to Sydney that day and then from Sydney to LA later that evening.
On arrival at LA, I had great difficulty getting a flight to Michigan that evening, but with the help of Kelly and Erin on their computers, I managed to get one into Detroit, which arrived at 5.30 am on Monday morning.
I called Paul from LA, spoke to a nurse who assured me all was well, but sensed something about Paul was not quite right.
Chris and Erin picked me up from Detroit airport, some 2 1/2 hours from the hospital. I arrived at the hospital soon after 9am. Paul and I had a wonderful reunion and spent several lovely hours chatting together. However, at one point, he seemed to have trouble breathing and when nurses didn't respond immediately when I buzzed them, I ran out and found the doctor just outside his door. The room quickly filled with doctors and nurses (code blue, I think), and Paul was quickly fading. He responded when I grabbed his hand and told him that I loved him - he said he loved me.
I was ushered out of the room and he was rushed to intensive care. Sometime later, I was allowed back in his new room (Erin and Chris had arrived at the hospital by then). We went into his room and was informed that he was now on life support, he had acute renal failure and they said he was unable to breath on his own.
They also told us that his heart was not strong enough to endure normal dialysis and that they were doing it at a very slow rate. He was hooked up to all sorts of machines and they informed me that he was in critical condition.
This was very hard to comprehend, and we had been laughing and talking together just a short time before.
Kelly arrived that evening and Paul remained on life support for the rest of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning.
Paul and I had had several discussions about his health and he had asked me to promise him that I would never put him on life support. I did make that promise, however, this all happened very quickly, and when he was first placed on life support, I had hope, that he just needed help until the infection in his body was gone and then he would be okay again. When doctors informed me that this was not the case, I had him removed on Wednesday afternoon. Doctors thought it unlikely that he would be able to breath on his own and that if he did, his heart would fail quickly, as it was not strong enough to support him.
Once again, Paul proved the doctors wrong and he breathed on his own and his heart continued to beat, though very weakly. When they told me that they didn't know how long it would continue, I decided to bring him home.
Arrangements were made very quickly and we were all home two hours later. The hospice people were there as well and gave instructions for his care. Paul was very weak, but was able to talk. He knew he was dying, he knew he was home - we had a bed facing the lake - he opened his eyes and looked at the lake and said he was happy to be home.
He spoke on the phone to Damien and Lauren and told them both that he loved them. He spoke to his neice Carol, her husband and two daughters Annika and Ella and told them he loved them. He patted Mack (our dog) and said goodbye. He cuddled Kelly and Erin and told them he loved them. He held Chris's hand (Erin's fiance) and told him he loved him.
I sat with him all night and even when I thought he was unconscious he would squeeze my hand and tell me he loved me. He did this often throughout the night. We told him he could go and he peacefully took his last breath around 5.15 am on April 2nd in the presence of me, Kelly, Erin, Chris, Bobby Bennett, and John and Vickie - much loved and very dear friends.
Even up until his last breath, he was thinking of us - not of himself. I told him, I was leaving the room for 2 minutes and I had only just left when the girls called me back into the room - I believe he was trying to spare me from watching him go.
Paul was the center of my world - he loved me despite my many faults. Not only did he love me, he reminded me constantly of his love, both verbally and in his actions. He loved and supported me when I was up and when I was down, when I made mistakes and when I was lost, when I was sad - he cheered me up, when I was in pain either emotionally or physically, he did all he could to ease my pain.
Paul was always in pain himself, it was just that the intensity of his pain varied. He rarely complained and in fact, he was bright and cheerful most of the time despit his pain.
He cared deeply about other people, he loved almost everyone he ever met and if he had his way, he would have had every stranger he met, back to the house for coffee and chats.
He was a wonderful father to my children. We found Paul's love when we were bruised and his love helped heal us all. He was a father in such a way, that the term stepfather was never considered. My children often said that they wished Paul had come into our lives much, much sooner. My children are devastated and their grief too is overwhelming.
Paul was my soul-mate, my great love, my true friend. He made me a much better person, he gave me love, laughter and companionship. He taught me patience and tolerance. He raised my self-esteem. He was the music of my heart.
As I stated earlier, it is just too tough right now to respond to so many emails, and even some phone calls. My phone has been ringing constantly and it is sometimes difficult to find the time to return calls. But please also know, that the overwhelming love and support that has come to us via the calls, emails and cards, is very much appreciated. To hear and read of everyones, thoughts and love for Paul, warms us all.
To my wonderful, wonderful neighbors who have provided us with so much food, and offers of help - you will never understand what a difference you have made during this time. John and Alex, Tom and Linda, Dave and Lyn, Jim and Mary Ann, Larry and Jan, Dave B and many others (forgive me for forgetting some names - my mind is a sieve) you guys are so wonderful.
Sid and Mary, Rita and Tom, Robert and Joyce, John and Vickie - thank you seems inadequate.
For all you wonderful people who travelled from Chicago for the visitation and some for the funeral service as well - I thank God for your love and friendship.
My time with Paul was far to short and it is very hard to imagine my life without him in it. I know he is finally free from all the pain and frustrations of this life, and is in a much better place. I can only hope that he save me a seat beside him and that the rest of my life will make me worthy to join him one day.
I would like to say thank you also to my wonderful Aussie friends for their heartfelt messages of support on Paul's loss and the loss of my brother Dennis. Dennis died on April 1st around 11 pm.
Dennis was 58 - the same age as Paul and they were buried in different countries only hours apart.
Dennis was a wonderful brother and very much loved by all his siblings and many neices and nephews. He died too, thinking of others - refusing much needed pain medication as much as possible, so that his remaining time would be coherent and afford him the opportunity to say goodbye to his children and siblings with clarity of mind.
It is very painful to have lost them both, and I like to imagine them, finally meeting up in heaven - both free from pain, and watching over all those that they loved.
Kathy
Kathy
